Golden Emptiness: Reflections on Communication and Self-Discovery

As time goes by, I've been deeply inspired by the meaning of relationships on a universal level.

Relationships, as defined by the dictionary, are the ways in which people, countries, and so on, interact with each other. This means that everyone has something to do in various ways to connect, especially through communication. Communication usually involves sharing many ideas, interests, and topics as long as they are acceptable to both parties involved.

But in reality, it's not as easy as I thought.

Starting from the initial statement, the inspiration I've gained relates to communication issues and how my goal is to intensify relationships with others through communication. What comes to mind is feeling unnoticed, which leads to communication patterns like closing off, speaking less, lowering my voice or tone, and limiting the information shared (such as not paying close attention when it's my turn to speak while someone else is talking). This results in me feeling awkward and uncomfortable, as if I'm the cause of all the discomfort I've created myself. In such situations, I perceive others as cold, not paying careful attention to me as if I'm unimportant, and generally lacking a connection with shared interests or topics. This makes me feel detachable. However, others may think that I isolate myself, am not interested in what they're sharing at times, and simultaneously don't show interest in what I do because they haven't picked up strong signals to engage in communication that I've built. Thus, they expect a stable rhythm for communication without losing tone or drastic changes.

Despite my perspective on others not responding well to my communication, they can actually pick up on what I'm feeling without me realizing it while I try to toughen up by ignoring them. They try to make me happy, cheer me up with shared experiences, and remain mindful of what has happened. However, I can't forgive the feeling of being "left out," making it difficult for me to control, coupled with them not knowing anything, they just see me as "calm, maybe thinking something but they don't feel guilty about their behavior."

So, in essence,

I'm just reflecting on what has been happening lately about behaving in a good way to get along with peers. It's difficult for me, as I've experienced trauma from being "ignored" by a friend or maybe I inherently dislike being ignored. Therefore, I mostly keep in touch with my closest friends according to my communication style, but they still accept me at the right pace. Some people who don't accept my rhythm, basically, have their own limitations to continue things they fear "will happen again in the past." From there, I hate myself. Why are people, or everyone, so difficult with me? It's because of my subconscious effort to create or organize a system of friendship in my way because I'm sure that I deserve to have a group of people around me who can continuously support and love each other with natural bonding. Unfortunately, the last thing I felt was stopping at my foundation's home, the rest until now, me and the people around me are just professionalism and mission accomplishment.

Why do I force myself to get involved? Because it's very enjoyable to see beautiful people socializing and I am the king of his social circle. I hope to be in that circle for a long time because that's where the continued understanding forms into love and affection. However, two things are the sensitivity for "some people" whom I especially liked in the past tempo I told in the previous "No One Understands Me" series. The cold and avoidant attitude is too strong so I feel like someone who shouldn't be there, and it tends to disturb them from developing. So, what should I do?

Stop.

Yes, it's better to stop.

One quote that I remember until now, from the anime Oregairu, Hikigaya Hachiman's character once said that "you can't reset life that has gone but you can reset relationships. what becomes your failure will be the first step for you to start again from the beginning." In essence, I should stop obsessively pursuing my desire to get along with people I want because what you want doesn't always mean it's the answer that can be accepted. Everything goes through every consequence, and every consequence is not without responsibility. I have to stop, start now, to pursue my orientation to love myself, have a good career, build strong boundaries with colleagues who are in the circle of professionalism, and stop dreaming about achieving something satisfactory for others. In the end, I will be trapped in futility if I fill my life with being the most accepted by others.

Second.

It must be admitted that every thing to do needs a target. A clear point of light that wants to be done, be it the activity, the source of where it comes from, measure the capabilities that can be done in proportion to what is requested, regardless of who is asking. Whatever it is, if it can fill the experience to open the mind as wide as possible, certainly nothing is in vain in filling the space and time of life.

Third.

In addition to filling free time and focus on it, know what can be controlled and what cannot. Other people are indeed triggers for me because I'm still an intuitive extrovert who is aware of various inhibitors to force everything to process. However, if you want to refer to a different perspective from the personality user, they can also provide truths both irrational and rational, related to things that should be done and should not be done. The definite step to take is to stay true to yourself. I must be honest about my abilities and inabilities in certain areas so that I have to connect with other people. If they still deny and refuse, I am sure that I never made a mistake in asking for help from people who can deny me at the right time, even though it cannot be a benchmark, then one way can only depend on myself.

Fourth.

There is an idiom that says,

"don't stir the pot when you're not needed."

This can provide a lot of perspectives;

1. Don't get involved if you're not involved.

2. When others are interacting, you just need to be silent, if it's difficult to hold back, move away so as not to disturb others who are talking.

3. If you want to show something interesting to others, wait for them to ask for it. Don't force it!

4. If you know someone will make a mistake, just let it go. Let them learn from their mistakes in their own way. You're NOT THEIR PARENTS.

5. Give the best advice if asked. If not asked, just stay silent. Stay silent as if you didn't respond. BECAUSE EVERYONE IS ALSO LIKE THAT TO YOU!

6. There is no perfect idealism. Just keep and save it for yourself. If someone is interested, help them to stay with you without coercion or pressure.

At this rate, everything has to start from here.

I believe I can get through this.

Through of self-reflection and exploration journey guide into challenging and enlightening idea for examining the complexities of communication and interpersonal dynamics. 

I've realized that the importance of understanding oneself and others in fostering meaningful connections are necessaries. While the road ahead may be uncertain, I am committed to embracing growth, learning from past experiences, and striving to cultivate authentic relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Ultimately, I believe that by staying true to oneself and approaching interactions with empathy and open-mindedness, we can navigate life's complexities with grace and authenticity.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ―Carl Jung.

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