No One Understands Me: I HATE MYSELF, but ok.

I HATE MYSELF

Sometimes it turned out my head about particulars of problems and the answer is only one: communication.

I HATE MYSELF

Everytime I need to speak, I feel that hurts when people unrecognize my thoughts; am I a little boy who lost and don't know how to go back home? OR is it because of my mental wounds?

I HATE MYSELF

The situation happened every time I need to speak something urgent, but at the same time, I need the one who be patience for listening every step I build. Many people think that I am disorganized, or dis-order, or maybe I wasn't ready to talk. Should I keep silent and reflecting and listening over and over again about what people wanted? Sometimes, I might need to build and speak at the same time, to gain trust. But people in these days won't be longer to talk with me more. They think about direction, assertiveness, and point ideas that I had; that it should be required on their basis, not my basis. My basis is just sharing connections; something can be useful, agreeable, and relevant. Even though for me it's really hard, but I try my best. But then, I feel so bad when I haven't got much chances to talk and others just cut it off because they think "i'm not a good speaker, i'm worst talker, or my word-chosen is REALLY BAD or redundant, or disorganized." 

Satisfied? NO.

I may need someone more to judge my bad sorts.

I HATE MYSELF

How can I be understood if I always bury all of my thoughts; even though it's not my typical person. My friend told me that "healthy person is someone who can take a role based on what personal skills it has." Since I'm always rejected, indirectly humiliated (for what people think it's funny to joke on me), ignored, underestimated, considered unclear, less thinking (maybe this is one of my weaknesses, thoughtless), so that others would be easier to judge me more than just approach me as an ability to show on. Yesterday, I might have a power, but God would also show me that my power is zero-sum; means nothing. Even I knew God would give me a portray about how shit I am, I have to accept that I'm the worst for the end of this journey. The worst things I did compile into one year-for the rest of my fucking life.

I cannot be honest about the one I admired from the office.

I cannot make my students accept me properly.

I cannot be straight to talk and make my student parents misunderstood.

I cannot let myself speak about the truth. Even it hurts.

I cannot be trusted for my own family. They would see me as a fool man who cannot decide, but they didn't give me try to choose my woman for my life.

I cannot be organized.

I cannot speak clearly.

I cannot be confident about my own outfit.

I cannot do ANYTHING to solve problems ahead of time.

I cannot focus.

I cannot prioritize my personal and professional situation.

I cannot decide something preferably for certain situations.

I cannot control my anger. 

I cannot speak up about what I want.

I cannot scream for what problems fucked up.

I cannot decide better my words.

I cannot .....

I can't.....

I HATE MYSELF.

How can I deliver something in my head when others interrupt me easily.
They knew that I'm powerless. I didn't take any chances to show the world what comes into my mind.
My potential is really bullshit. Listener for people? Personality reader? Caring with kids but they hate me? Details Researcher? Giving fun facts about fucking humans? Understanding ethics and culture values? Do people want to listen about that my FUCK SHIT potentials?

Even I admit myself as ENFP, do you one word that can be considered for this type?

BULLSHIT. Yeah I'm a bullshitter personality. I'm nothing.

People have no need to find or discover shit motivations. They like to hurt themselves by words. Just like me. And if I wanted to be understandable, they would see me as a shitty kid. 

When they see me as like that;

I can be knocked down.

I can be falsified.

I can be judged as what they want.

I can be insulted at will

I can be rebuked by their views of me

I can be insulted without needing them to feel guilty

I can be disrespected because they definitely care only about their own pride

I can be stepped on to their heart's content.

I can be ignored because every word I say is meaningless.

I can be underestimated because they only know my jokes rather than my seriousness.

I can be considered useless because they see me as someone who is always anxious all the time.

and I could be considered a disgusting person because I was ugly and embarrassing for them to approach.

SO...?

WHAT THE WORST THINGS THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND ABOUT MYSELF? 

Your question is,

Am I okay with it?

I "all-ways" would be always OK. Hope this writing could be my best validation because I'm supposed to be hate myself. 

Besides, what's my dream? NOTHING.

since my girlfriend left me out, because of her parents, what efforts that I could give to women?

A bullshit words?

A promise that "you're gonna be fucking alright?"

or

A tale of my struggle that SHE WON'T BE CARED IF I ALREADY DIED 7 YEARS AWAY.

*even I'm writing this with tears, do anybody care enough?

I HATE MYSELF

So what things I could give to this world?

NOTHING.

Just wait until I died once again. Trust me. People won't care.